In exactly one week from today, I’m turning 32, and as I said in a recent chat session with a friend, “I’m still trying to get used to the idea of being 31″.
For awhile I had a running gag saying on my birthday when someone asked me how it felt to be the age I had just turned. I would smile with this reply: “It’s just like [the previous age] only with a bit more gas.”
I’ve always kinda of been the practical joker, because it would make people laugh and hide what my true feelings were… I was not happy.
For the better part of my life I’ve been very negative and pessamistic. I would constantly beat myself up over things that were beyond my control because I believed somehow I could change things. The problem was it was I who needed to change. And because I was too stubborn to see it, I fell into a huge depression that not only hurt myself, but hurt people who I cared about and who truly wanted the best for me.
I came to the realization, I was not happy in my own skin… I looked to relationships and objects to make me happy, and when they failed me, I realized I was alone. And for long time I was addicted to my own self pitty.
But now, I’m starting to see things in a new light. For the fist time in my life, I feel free. I’m happy. Not perfect, but happy. I’m starting to like the person I’m becoming. I’m sure I’ll have days where I feel differently, but today I feel good, and that’s what matters. I guess it’s just one day at a time…

Today I didn’t make it to the gym because I had an appointment to see a doctor at some clinic for my depression. They had sent me some paperwork in the mail to fill out beforehand, so I did and took it with me to the clinic.

When I got up to the front desk to sign in, the receptionist asked me the normal questions of what I was doing there and I told her I had an appointment at 1:00 to see the doctor. So she asked me my name and looked up my info in the computer.

After about a minute she looked up and said, “that appointment was canceled back on the 13th”. I’m thinking “Oh great. It figures.” So she leaves for a second to ask someone about it, and the whole time I’m thinking, “what a great clinic…they’re on top of things”. Of course I was using one of the sarcastic voices in my head (there’s actually quite a few).

A few minutes later she came back and said “it’s ok”, and then gave me more paperwork to fill out. Why did they send me paperwork in the mail if they had more for me to fill out when I got there? So I stood up at the counter and filled out the form, and even before I was finished, someone actually called my name.

I’m thinking, “Wow! If I was back in Escondido, this little mess up would have cost me the rest of the day. Especially with the amount of illegal aliens that would be over-crowding the place. So I looked over at the medical assistant (I guess that’s what you would call him; I’m not very knowledgeable on the different medical positions) and I said, “I’m still filling this form out”, and he said, “Take your time, and when you’re done just come back to this room”. He pointed to the third door down the hall.

And I started thinking to myself: ”What’s wrong with the rest of the country?” Here the medical professionals are actually nice and courteous… NOT in California! Or at least the one’s I’ve run into. So I finish the form and go back to the room, and he takes my blood pressure and all that fun stuff, and then takes me to the examining room to wait for the doctor.

Then I was thinking: “Here’s where the fun parts going to be; waiting on the doctor.” I kid you not, it was only about a minute, from the time the guy who took my blood pressure left to the time the actual doctor showed up. I was blown away. And then she asked me all these questions and 10 minutes later I had my prescription and was out the door, and it only cost me $15, and I didn’t even have insurance. All I can say is wow. Of course the medication cost more than the visit, but the drug companies always got to make their money…I guess that doesn’t change no matter where you go, but I can deal with $30 a month if it makes me feel better.

And all this time I’ve been saying how much I miss California, but now I can say there’s at least one thing that I don’t miss. I used to hate going to doctors, but after today I don’t mind it so much. Who knows, maybe this medication the doctor put me on will make me see more things I like about this place, and more things I really don’t miss about Southern California…but who knows…It’s only day 1.

To be continued…

Now that I’m in Indiana, there’s just no good mexican food out here. It’s just really bland. It’s of no fault of anyone here, they just think that’s the way mexican food is supposed to be, and have not experienced the goodness of baja style mexican food.

It’s sad really what they’re missing out on, but it’s even sadder that I know what I’m missing out on, and there’s really nothing I can do about it at the moment.

I wish my favorite place “Mariachi’s” would just move here so I can get those awesome rolled tacos with extra guacamole, and bean and cheese burritos, and carne asada fries…nobody knows what carne asada is out here. I think I’m going to cry.

I need to learn how to make some of this stuff for myself and maybe I’ll just start up my own restaurant, so the people out here can have a taste of real mexican food. I think I’d call it the “California Burrito”.

This is my first attempt at a self portrait in Illustrator.

Here’s an illustration of a lleprechaun I created in honor of St. Patricks Day.  After Illustrating it I took it into illustrator and made him blink.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed”. Isaiah 53:5

Working on this illustration really made me start think about the importance of what Jesus did for me. It also convicted me a little bit, and I started examining my life.

On Sunday, we always take the Lord’s Supper at church as a memorial of Christ’s death, burrial and ressurection. We partake in the two emblems: the unlevened bread which symbolizes Christ’s body beaten and broken, and the fruit of the vine which is a symbol for Christ’s blood that was shed on the cross.

It always reminds me of God’s love for me, and the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. The pain and agony he had to endure with the intensity I can’t even begin to imagine, and yet he went through it without one complaint.

And the amazing part is, he did it for me. For my sins; my shortcomings. For every lie I’ve ever told, and each time I cheated on a test. He even did it for the times I did something hurtful to someone, and everytime I’ve commited sexual immorality in my heart. In spite of all the sin in my life, Jesus died anyway, taking the punishment that should have been mine.

How blessed I truly am to know forgiveness and grace; to know a God who loves me so much he would die for me just so I could live with him forever in heaven, and share in the inheritence with his son, Jesus. And the best part is, he offers it free of charge. Now that just blows my mind.

My Prayer: Holy Father in heaven, thank you for demonstrating your love for me, that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. I’m in awe how you could offer salvation to me freely, but I am thankful that you do. I accept it with a grateful heart.

In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

Here is one of my first tries at character animation I did back in college. Don’t ask me what I was trying to make him say.

Personalized Spiritual Gifts Assessment Test Results

Spiritual Gifts	Strength
Evangelism	16
Prophecy	12
Teaching	14
Exhortation	15
Pastor/Shepherd	17
Showing Mercy	18
Serving	16
Giving	9
Administration	14

This report was taken from the Church Growth web site

It’s hard to believe I’ve been out of work for about 4 months now. I’m not really sure how I’ve survived this long, other that it’s by the grace of God! And how good He is, even in troubled times. Knowing that is actually what keeps me going. I just know he is preparing the perfect job for me right now, and I just wait and pray.

Somehow he’s still providing for my needs, and has been ever since this fiasco started. So who am I to doubt him.

I am reminded of Job’s life as he had his whole life stripped from him; his family, his wealth and his health, all gone in a single day. I can’t even imagine!

But even Job in the midst of all his trials, he would not curse God, even though the voice of his peers would try to convince him to do so. Instead he fell on his knees and offered worship to God.

Sometimes I think about questioning God and yelling at the top of my lungs with complaint: “Why me, God”? But I look around and see people in worse shape than I’m in, and realize God has a bigger plan. And who am I to question the almighty God?

I may be going through trials now, and I’m always encouraged by what James 1:2-3 says: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”

What I’m going through now will only make me stronger, but I know it’s not by my own strength, but God’s who provides all things.

My Prayer: Gracious Father in heaven, provider of all things, in the midst of trials I fall on my knees and worship my God who gives me the strength to persevere. And in these struggles may I remain faithful to the one who never fails me! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen!

“To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—” Jude 24

So far the book of Jude is the only book in the bible I have completely memorized. Every time I quote verse 24, I am encouraged by the thoughts behind the verse:

“To him who is able to keep you from falling…” I don’t know about you, but I’m constantly slipping and falling flat on my face when it comes to my relationship with God, but this verse somehow just brings me hope. When I think there is a God who has the power to keep me on my feet and not only that but is able to present me faultless in his sight, I am convinced that it isn’t about me, it’s about the one who is able to do all these things. Which brings me to the last verse of the book:

“-to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.”