In exactly one week from today, I’m turning 32, and as I said in a recent chat session with a friend, “I’m still trying to get used to the idea of being 31″.
For awhile I had a running gag saying on my birthday when someone asked me how it felt to be the age I had just turned. I would smile with this reply: “It’s just like [the previous age] only with a bit more gas.”
I’ve always kinda of been the practical joker, because it would make people laugh and hide what my true feelings were… I was not happy.
For the better part of my life I’ve been very negative and pessamistic. I would constantly beat myself up over things that were beyond my control because I believed somehow I could change things. The problem was it was I who needed to change. And because I was too stubborn to see it, I fell into a huge depression that not only hurt myself, but hurt people who I cared about and who truly wanted the best for me.
I came to the realization, I was not happy in my own skin… I looked to relationships and objects to make me happy, and when they failed me, I realized I was alone. And for long time I was addicted to my own self pitty.
But now, I’m starting to see things in a new light. For the fist time in my life, I feel free. I’m happy. Not perfect, but happy. I’m starting to like the person I’m becoming. I’m sure I’ll have days where I feel differently, but today I feel good, and that’s what matters. I guess it’s just one day at a time…